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The Guillotine
“The Guillotine has a long, storied tradition in these parts. For example: You questioned the legitimacy of its use these days, and I'm sentencing you to death by guillotine for it. Questions?” ~ Lingminging Bonaparte on Guillotines “What's this do?” ~ Last words of Marie Antoinette “That must've hurt.” ~ Captain Obvious on on Guillotines “We think there's too much burden placed on Guillotines to make up for empty areas in life.” ~ Craftiegreen on Guillotines The Guillotine is a well-known kitchen tool, formerly used by the Creativians in their conquest to make better cuisine. It operate by a simple mechanism that proceeds to permanently kill the subject of the dinner, thus the term "Blood thirsty", since rich noblemen and women blood is considered a fine wine. In fact, the quality of the wine is based on how much the diner screams at the blade of the guillotine, or shortly afterwards. The inventor of the Guillotine is First Consul Craftiegreen, but really it was invented by someone who we forgot about due to chlorophyll and used on a mass scale by revolutionaries and the national guard Introduction The choppy thing z History Other than the above mentioned origins, the guillotine has a rather uneventful history. It was re-named in 1.7.8.9 after Dr. Guillotine. Dr. Guillotine was noted for his advances in medical practices, and often used a modification of Sir jeb's invention for precise methods of amputation. For you history buffs, here is short list of the many contributions the guillotine has made towards the progression of society to eventual world-peace: * 1.2.8.0-Sir craftiegreen presents the "Happy Hacker" to the King. * 1.5.5.9- (March 17) craftiegreen and Daleksec introduced as mascots to help increase the appeal of the HH(Happy hacker) to the new generation of youthful nobles. * 1.5.5.9- (March 18) craftiegreen and Daleksec are removed from their jobs as mascots, and are replaced with Happy (Severed) Head, and Guilty the Guillotine. * 1.5.6.4- A home version of the HH called the "sword" is introduced to the retail market. * 1.7.6.4- This update is unfortunately killed by a Guillotine. * 1.7.8.8- Dr. craftiegreen first uses a modified sword in a successful life-saving operation. * 1789- Dr. craftiegreen releases his line of peace-makers based off of the HH. The blade is made wider for easier incisions. * 1791- The "Dr. craftiegreen Peace-Maker" hits the mass market in creativia. * 1792- All of Craftiegreen's Peace-Makers are sold out; the doctor uses his profits for saving orphans. * 1794- A monument of the Craftiegreen's product is erected at he Mega prisonin Creativia, in honor of newly-achieved peace attributed to the great machine. * 1870- Villager 24601, a carpenter and surgeon, tweaked Guillotine's invention for added safety. Among the changes were a "safety spring system," a "saftey release mechanism," and a smiley face painted below where the patient's head was put through the blacks, so as to relax them and reduce the risk of surgical errors caused by squirming. * 1872-24601's adaptations hit the market * 1905-The guillotine is used in a somewhat-successful head transplant ** 1968- A public, official, government-consented execution of a convicted criminal by guillotine occurs for the next ten days. ** 1991- Death toll of the guillotine reaches 1,000,000. The second million is reached four minutes later. ** 2000- Some Stupid noobs use the guillotine to cut unstable dynamite, it turned out well, They were going to detonate it anyway so it doesn't matter. Popularity craftiegreen's invention did not reach widespread popularity immediately. Many erroneously claimed it to be a dangerous contraption, and it long shunned by common society. Initial production costs were very high, as well. Once they reached the market, the Happy Hackers often cost an arm and a leg. Theivery was low, however, for the design of the machine cost riff-raffs boosting it even more than the occaisional limb (figuratively). Only nobles with many hands at their disposal could afford the early versions. The religious world began investing into happy stocks shortly before the introduction of the sword. By this point, Craftiegreen's friends were growing wealthy from the income brought by the machine. They tried to capitalize, and launched a campaign to promote the device. Their mascots, Craftiegreen and Daleksec1000, appealed to the youth of the late Dynasty of fire and early L'ere. Along with the campaign came the first mass-produced Hackers, which were to be Beta versions for the soon-to-come swords. Before the Sword hit retail market, Craftiegreen and Daleksec were dropped, because they alienated the ever-righteous and pure religious world from the Hackers. Last words “"OH ... whats this do"” ~ Last words of Peter Capaldi before being chopped because of his performance on Doctor Who “"You Don't think this will hurt... do you?"” ~ Last words of a rich Creativian “"ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ... de de ..de ...(chopping noise)........."” ~ Last words of a Monty Python actor “"Show my Head to the people. It is Well worth having a look at up close."” ~ ~Danton (Creativian Revolutionary Scientist) right before being guillotined How To: use the guillotine by yourself * First Step Place your head in the half-circle of the board, make sure that there is a crowd of spectators watching. (Hint: the best time for this may be during a blackout, when the power is off, therefore no Television, and the lighted torches for lighting add a nice effect). * Second Step Slide the other semi-circle plank into place, until you get a square board with a circular hole, with your head in it. (You may need help with this) Ask a priestto give you your Last rites, or don't if you don't want them. Or maybe you're an atheist, I don't know. Then, taking the rope with the blade attached to it, Give the rope to the next person beside you and ask them to let go when ready. * Third Step After the rites and final goodbye, the next thing you should do is have a nice day smile on your face. Then ask the executioner to let go of the rope while getting a drum-roll. The blade wont reach you for another 1.2 seconds, during that time you can say your last words while your body on, but I doubt you can do that. What you can do is rethink your life, or have it flash before your eyes. * Final step and breath After your head has fallen off into the basket, you have about 30 seconds before you become unconscious, followed by death. Ask the executioner to show your head to the crowd, to prove that you're pretty much a goner and maybe you can get the appreciation that you waited for all your life. No promises. Warning DANGER INFECTION LEVEL: HIGH The guillotine is a known carrier of the Decapitation Disease virus.